Artemis Gets Sorted Out
by celticfox
Summary: What if at age eleven Artemis found out he was a wizard? How long does it take one child genius to mess up The Sorcerer's Stone? My first story, please review! -THIS IS DEAD. IT IS NEVER UPDATING. EVER. I HATE IT NOW.-
1. Of Psycic Hats and Houses

**Hi, this is Celticfox! This is my first fanfic, so please review!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own opinion of the characters. So please don't sue me as I'm just a crazy teenager who likes to write.**

**EDIT: I have made some changes, so I think it's a bit better now and less OOC. **

The Sorting Hat did not look like much. It was just a shabby old black pointed hat. Artemis remarked about this to the next boy in line.

"But- but they say it can read your mind!" stammered the boy. His name, as Artemis recalled, was Neville Longbottom. Artemis thought this a stupid name, but did not say so aloud. A boy called Artemis Fowl did not do well to make fun of other people's names.

"Alphabetical order!" cried the beak-nosed lady called, what was it, "Mcgonagal". Hmm. Artemis was jostled away from Neville and further up the line, where he came to stand between a short, sandy-haired boy in front and a bushy-haired, buck-toothed girl behind. This girl behind glared at him for some reason. Artemis treated her to his best icy stare.

There was some sort of stupid song about the Hat, then the line started moving forward. As far as Artemis could make out, each child walked to the center of the great hall, where they donned the Sorting Hat. After a period of time ranging from a few seconds to a minute, a voice would cry "Gryffindor!" or "Hufflepuff!" or "Ravenclaw!" or "Slytherin!" Honestly. Who made up these names anyway? Hogwarts. How inspiring.

Finally it was the turn of the sandy-haired boy ahead of him, whose name was Seamus Finnigan. The boy sat for almost a full minute before a voice shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" The children seated at the red-and-gold table cheered.

Artemis walked out into the hall, not the least bit shy. He never was. Instead he basked in the attention the seated students gave him. He sat on the stool, trying not to feel like a miscreant wearing a dunce cap, and jammed the hat onto his head. It slipped down over his eyes, obscuring his vision.

A small, reedy voice by his ear said, "Gosh."

"A pocket mike?" whispered Artemis. "Come _on._"

"How dare you!" cried the voice. "I am the Sorting Hat, and I can see your memories!"

"What a horrid invasion of privacy," Artemis muttered.

"And believe you me, this is undoubtedly one of the most difficult choices I have ever had to make."

"What is your criterion?" asked Artemis, interested.

"Well, generally if you're brave, you're Gryffindor, if you're loyal, you're Hufflepuff, if you're intelligent, you're Ravenclaw, if you're ambitious, you're Slytherin."

"Hmm," murmured Artemis. "A psychic hat. How do I present a problem?"

"Well, you're certainly brave."

"I would not think that one of my most outstanding talents."

"And under certain circumstances you have the potential for great loyalty…"

"Really? How shocking."

"But intelligence and ambition… Did you really hack into a Swiss bank account at age nine?"

Artemis smiled. "Yes."

"And forge an Impressionist painting a year later?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"How… interesting."

Time for some fun. "What I find even more interesting," he whispered, "is how idiotically you run things here. Sorting people by character traits? Why not just say, 'oh, Gryffindors, you're the favorites, the ones who will amount to something! Oh, Hufflepuffs, you're so dim but that's okay because you make great sidekicks. Ravenclaw, I'm afraid that courage counts for more than brains, but you're the second-best. Slytherins, you're all Bad Sorts, so of course you'll always be defeated by Right and Might.'"

"Definitely Slytherin!" the Hat snapped. "You've got the telltale nasty streak. But you're a Muggle-born… dear me…"

But Artemis wasn't finished yet. "Your system cannot hope to do anything but create predjudices and rivalries. I'm surprised it's worked for so long, though I doubt that any Slytherins have become outstanding, contributing citizens.

"Grrr," said the Hat. Then, "SLYTHERIN!" it bellowed.

Artemis pushed up the Hat. The green and silver table was clapping, but everyone else was booing. Artemis just smiled his vampire smile.

Artemis seated himself between a nasty-looking blond kid and a thin, stick-like girl with short hair. "Greetings," he said. "Salutations."

The blond boy turned to look at him, his face contorted into a perfect sneer. He was an eleven-year-old first year like Artemis. "Fowl, is it?" he asked maliciously. "Never heard of them, so it must be a _muggle _family. I'm surprised the Hat let you in. It must be getting old."

Artemis concentrated on cleaning his nails. Bully, he thought. _Stupid _bully. If you are the best this place has to offer, my rise to power will be easy.

"You had the Hat on for almost _two minutes_, Fowl- that has to be a school record. Haven't you got any talents?"

"Shut up, Draco Malfoy," said the thin girl unexpectedly. "Harry Potter's about to be Sorted."

"Oh, Potter," Draco replied dismissively. "He'll probably go to Gryffindor."

"Who's Harry Potter?" Artemis asked.

"An even bigger moron than you," said Draco.

Moron? Artemis was no moron. From age three he had known he was a genius.

The thin girl leaned over and whispered to Artemis, "He's the only person who ever survived one of You-Know-Who's curses."

"You-Know-Who?"

"I'll fill you in later."

In the middle of the hall, Harry Potter jammed on the Hat. The students held their breath for twenty seconds.

Then: "GRYFFINDOR!" boomed the Hat.

"See? Told you so," said Draco.

Three more people were sorted, and then the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, stood up. He had a long silver beard and he was grinning from ear to ear.

"Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!"

Everyone clapped and cheered.

"Is that guy insane?" Artemis asked.

"Oh, he is a bit mad," said the girl. "By the way, my name's Millicent, but you can call me Millie. What's yours?"

"Artemis Fowl," he said, uncertainly. He wasn't very good at making friends, but Millie seemed to be offering.

"Isn't Artemis a _girl's _name?" snickered Draco.

Artemis had heard this once too many times. He rounded on Draco, in full icy vampire mode. "Why yes it is Draco. You will be pleased to know that your primary name, Draco, means _draconis, _or dragon. Your secondary title, Malfoy, is such an unpleasant one that your ancestors must have created it to scare 'muggles' away. _Mal _is a latin prefix meaning malevolent, evil, and _foy_ has been added to make the name stick in the throat. Whereas _my_ name, Artemis, refers to a Greek Goddess, and simply means 'the hunter'. _Fowl_ is adapted from Fole, the surname of Lord Hugo de Fole. My family dates back to before the Norman Crusades, over 900 years ago, and my blood is much purer than yours, plus I'm much more intelligent than you, so please don't make any more snide comments."

Draco glared at him, but fortunately the argument was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a delicious feast. Artemis heard Millie whisper, "You stood up to _Draco Malfoy!_" He ignored her. He wasn't brave; far from it. He just had so much arrogance that he considered slugs like Draco harmless.

Artemis ate daintily, with perfect manners. He did not join in the conversations but rather watched his fellow students and listened to the wealth of information flowing around him. His enormous brain quickly processed this data, analyzing it and making connections.

"And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!" cried Dumbledore. Artemis sighed, guessing what would come next.

"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,

Teach us something please.

Whether we be old and bald

Or young with scabby knees.

Our heads could do some filling

With some interesting stuff,

For now they're bare and full of air

Dead flies and bits of fluff.

So teach us things worth knowing,

Bring back what we've forgot,

Just do your best, we'll do the rest,

And learn until our brains all rot."

Honestly, were these people for real?


	2. Of Hermione Granger and Severus Snape

**Hello, everyone! This is me, Celticfox, again, with my latest installment! Again, please don't sue me, as that would make me rather sad. Review review review! Just a few seconds of your time could make my day!**

**As well as changing some stuff, I've also made the chapters longer, more like four pages instead of two. This means less chapters, but I think it's better that way.**

The next few days were… instructive. The classes consisted of subjects like Transfiguration and Charms. The closest there was to the sciences were Herbology and Potions, there was no mathematics, and the only history was History of Magic. This last was taught by a ghost, the late Professor Binns. Most of the other students found this class very boring, but Artemis thought it fascinating. An enormous group of people, co-existing with the 'muggles', and no one knew they existed!

Artemis found most of his classes fascinating, and he paid very close attention, which was not actually all that close for him- he could multi-task very efficiently. Rote learning he could do in his sleep, and most of the spells consisted of sheer personal willpower, of a type that Artemis was certainly not lacking. Transfiguration was his favorite class, because Professor Mcgonagal actually gave them some theory to study. Artemis was very interested in theory. He couldn't believe that wizards (what an infantile term) had used magic for centuries without actually knowing how it _worked_. Artemis believed that there was really no such thing as 'magic' and that everything could be logically and scientifically explained. Perhaps there were certain particles that, at a subatomic level, caused atoms to bond together in unusual ways, creating "magical' effects. When he tried to explain his theory to Mcgonagal, she smiled rather tightly and said, well, atoms were _muggle _things, weren't they, and there was no need to worry, after a few years at Hogwarts he'd forget all about it.

_Not likely! _Artemis thought. What Mcgonagal didn't know was that Artemis spent his free time in the library, on his laptop, using what must be the ambient energy of the magical field of the school to access the Internet and take advanced physics courses. He was determined to figure it out.

Once the caretaker, Angus Flint, who obviously had a severe mental disorder, came into the library and attempted to confiscate the iBook. Fortunately Artemis had memorized the student rulebook and rattled off such complicated legal phrases that a cowed Mr. Filch had no choice but to back down.

Even Artemis' social life was not as bad as he expected. Millie had, for some inscrutable reason, become good friends with him, and in return for Artemis doing Millie's homework every night (a mere slice of cake for someone of his mental abilities) she hit Draco Malfoy whenever he tried to bully Artemis. Mere verbal attacks Artemis could handle with ease, but the boy genius was not very physically fit.

Most of his free time was spent in the library, reading and discovering new ways to combine technology and magic. "Wizards" as they were childishly called (and rather prejudiced too, what about witches- then again mankind was known as, well, _man_kind) seemed amazingly primitive when it came to information technology. Or any other kind for that matter. They seemed content to let 'magic' do all the work, without actually knowing what magic _was_.

Not that Artemis saw his future role in life as a researcher. Sure, it was harder to hack into bank accounts that were not computerized, but perhaps you could design a spell to do it for you. The trick would be to make such a spell untraceable, but then again, Artemis had created viruses and hacker programs that could break into the CIA's files without them any the wiser. Surely spells could not be any harder. You just had to take a _mechanical _approach.

And another thing. Why wasn't anyone making up any new spells? From what he could see in the books, all known spells, with a few, very few exceptions, had been created very long ago. From his few experiments, it seemed that you could easily cobble together two old spells to do something new. But what Artemis wanted was the _principle. _Why did these things happen when you said a few nonsense words and waved around a wand?

He watched, and listened, and read, and voiced his theories to no one.

Until he met another bright young student named Hermione.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hermione found herself once more in the library. She just had to check this one fact in _Hogwarts, A History. _But when she got to the right aisle, someone was already there, reading it. Hermione sighed in frustration.

The boy looked up. He was an eleven-year-old first year like herself, slight, with dark hair and intense blue eyes. "Hello?" he asked.

"Umm…" Hermione began, feeling embarrassed, "I just wanted to check this one thing from _Hogwarts, A History…_but I can wait until you're done."

"What do you want to know?" he asked.

"Umm… who was Headmaster in 1889?"

"Phineas Nigellus," he said immediately. Hermione was impressed.

"Wow, you've got a really good memory!" she said.

He smiled slightly. "Phineas Nigellus was mostly known for creating the Ancient Runes class," he recited, "but also made many additions to the castle grounds. He held the post from 1840 to 1860, married Ursula Flint, and had five children, Sirius, Phineas, Cygnus, Belvina and Arcturus. He died in 1925 and his portraits hang in the headmaster's office and the Black family home."

Hermione gasped. He carelessly tossed the book to her. "I was done with it anyway."

"What were you looking for?" she asked, curious.

He shrugged. "If they teach Magical Theory here. They don't."

"Well, I suppose they're just trying to prepare us for the real world…"

He turned to her, frustration in his face. "But don't you want to know _why _magic works?!"

"Umm…" she said, unsure of how to reply. Before she hadn't had the slightest interest. But after meeting him, it seemed a huge deal. "Who are you?" she asked.

"Artemis Fowl," he said. "I'm a first year."

"So am I! And Fowl... you're Muggle-born!"

"What's it to you?" he asked icily. "Why does that matter?"

"Oh!" she cried in dismay. "Oh no, I mean, I'm a Muggle-born too!"

He nodded, then turned and walked to a table, where something square and black hummed to itself. He popped up the lid, and she saw that it was a computer. Her dad had had one, to keep track of patients. Her dad was a dentist. "Why did you bring a computer?" she asked.

"To research things, of course." There was a strange look in his eyes that suggested that researching was not all he used the computer for.

"B-but," she stammered, "you'll only be able to research muggle sites!"

He slammed down the lid of the laptop. "Wizards aren't the only people who know things." Then he stalked out of the library.

"Wait!" she called, but he was gone.

However, when she returned to the library at free period the next day, he was there again, gazing intently into a book. He returned her cheery greeting, and when she was stuck on a Transfiguration problem, he asked if he could help. After staring at the problem for a few seconds, he started explaining it to her. In return she helped him find some books for his History of Magic essay. She was delighted to have found another intelligent Muggle-born who could be friends with her. Most of her classmates just thought she was weird.

"There aren't that many Muggle-borns in our year," she remarked as they looked for information on goblin rebellions. "Most of my friends just don't understand what it's like to be new to the wizarding world. I remember when I got my Hogwarts letter. It was just hilarious, the look on my parents' faces! They're dentists, and very down-to-earth. What do your parents do?"

Artemis dropped his pile of books, his face frozen. Hermione stared at him in confusion. "I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?" she asked anxiously.

"No." He picked up the books. "Just... I don't want to talk about my parents."

Hermione changed the subject and instead chattered on about how much she was looking forward to flying lessons. Artemis listened intently, absorbing her words like a sponge. She talked about everything, he was such a great audience. Then they started work on their essays, and compared notes. When they went back to their separate classes half an hour later Hermione considered him a fast friend.

She looked for him in her classes but couldn't find him. He was probably a Ravenclaw, she supposed; a person with brains like his had to be. So she thought no more about it until Potions the next day.

Potions was by far Hermione's least favorite subject. The teacher, Snape, was hook-nosed and mean, and he didn't acknowledge Hermione's brilliance like the others. Plus they had double Potions with Slytherin.

Snape clearly did not like Harry Potter either. "Potter!" he said. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Hermione's hand shot up, but of course Snape didn't call on her.

"I don't know, sir," Potter said.

"Tut, tut- fame clearly isn't everything. I bet Fowl knows," he sneered.

Hermione gasped. There was Artemis, standing up and telling Snape a clear and concise use for a mixture of asphodel and wormwood.

Artemis was in Slytherin!


	3. Of Flying Lessons and Heroes

**Sadistic Kakashi Fangirl Of The Jumping Neko Bean: you have an awesome pen name. Just thought I'd mention it. Same disclaimers.**

After the Potions lesson, Artemis tried to talk to Hermione. He felt strangely happy that she was in his class. Maybe this is what it is like to have friends, he thought. But when he walked up to her in the hall, she ignored him. "Hermione?" he asked tentatively.

"Don't bother me, Fowl," she snapped, turning away. He followed her.

"Hermione, what's wrong?"

She glared at him with tears in her eyes. "How come you didn't tell me you were in Slytherin?" she accused.

"Does it matter?" he replied, puzzled.

"Of course it matters! Gryffindors aren't friends with Slytherins, Fowl. That's how things are. You had better get used to it." She brushed past him and was gone. He stared after her, confused at sadness he was feeling. He was getting way too emotional. To calm himself, he recited the family motto.

"Aururum est potestas. Aururum est potestas," he muttered. Gold Is Power. And power was the only thing that mattered. He would not let his emotions get in the way. He had a mission, and he had to focus.

Thankfully, Potions was the only class that first-year Slytherins shared with first-year Gryffindors, so Artemis didn't see much of Hermione. Whenever they were assigned to work together, she studiously ignored him, and after a while he did the same.

However, one day Artemis noticed a paper pinned up in the Slytherin common room that made everyone groan. On Thursday flying lessons would be starting- and they would be learning alongside Gryffindor. Slytherins loathed Gryffindors just as much as Gryffindors hated Slytherins. Except for Artemis, who was of course above such petty rivalry.

Draco laughed. "Hey, we get to see Potter fall off his broomstick!" Half the first-years laughed at this; the other half (including Artemis and Millie) looked at Draco with haughty disdain. "I wish first years got on House Teams," he continued. "It's a disgrace that we don't get to play."

"Aw, shut up, Malfoy," said a third year. "You'd shame the team." It was Adrian Pucey, a Slytherin Chaser. Malfoy turned bright red. Artemis felt vengefully glad.

At three-thirty Thursday afternoon the Slytherins walked down the front steps onto the grounds for the first flying lesson. It was a beautiful day. Twenty broomsticks lay on the grass. The Slytherins milled around until the Gryffindors and the flying teacher, Madam Hooch, arrived. "Well, what are you waiting for? Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up." She waited until they all stood by a broom, then barked, "Stick your right hand over your broom and say UP!"

Artemis' broom stayed on the ground. Artemis glared at it. Oh no you don't, he thought. It sprang up into his hand.

"Now, when I blow my whistle, you kick off from the ground, hard," Madam Hooch said. "Keep your brooms ready, rise a few feet, and then come straight back down by leaning forward slightly. On my whistle- three- two-"

Suddenly people started to scream; a Gryffindor boy Artemis didn't know had pushed off too early and was rapidly rising through the air. "Come back, boy!" the teacher shouted, but the boy clearly had no control over his broom. Artemis stepped forward.

"RETARDO!" he yelled. (Believe it or not, that's Latin for 'slow down' not 'retarded'.) The Gryffindor boy's broom stopped its headlong rush. Again Artemis waved his wand. "REDEO!" The broom slowly descended.

All the first years were staring at him. Artemis felt happy endorphins rush to his brain as he basked in their attention. Finally, they were realizing how great he was.

The Gryffindor boy climbed shakily off his broom and stared at Artemis too. "Th-thanks," he stammered.

Artemis shrugged. "Anytime," he said casually. He saw Hermione among the staring Gryffindors. _That's right,_ he thought resentfully. _Even if I'm not in Gryffindor, I can still be smart._

Madam Pooch asked the boy, Neville, if he was alright. He said he didn't want to continue flying lessons, and she let him go back to his dormitory. The lesson resumed and people finally stopped staring at Artemis. Suddenly he realized, _Maybe I saved Neville's life._ It was a scary thought, but exhilarating too. _Maybe I can use my powers to save other people._

Then he shook himself. _Snap out of it, _he told himself. _You're not a hero._

So why did saving Neville feel so good?

Draco elbowed Artemis, bringing him back to earth. "Why'd you do that?" he hissed. "We wanted to see Longbottom fall off!"

Artemis gazed at his classmate in extreme dislike. "Draco, you are a sadistic bully." He turned away.

Suddenly Artemis felt a strong blow send him flying. He hit the ground with a thud and felt the air being knocked out of him. Draco had hit him hard. It hurt.

Millie raced over and hauled him to his feet. "You OK, Art?"she asked concernedly. He nodded, getting his breath back. Neither suggested telling Madam Hooch what had occurred. True Slytherins never relied on teacher intervention. Only tattletales like Draco did that.

"You want me to hex him?"

"No," Artemis panted, "I'll deal with him myself."

Artemis watched as Millie rose into the air under Madam Hooch's careful guidance. So he didn't notice Hermione's confused glance.


	4. Of Trolls and Trouble

Artemis ran into Hermione a few days later as she was coming out of Charms. Unfortunately, he literally 'ran' into her, sending them both sprawling on the carpeted floor of Hogwarts Castle. Hurriedly Artemis picked himself and his books up. Unfortunately, Hermione's bottle of ink smashed, staining her books with black ink.

Unfortunately, Hermione's hurried spell didn't work, making her even more upset.

Unfortunately, when Artemis correctly used a more creative spell, she glared at him, hissed "Show-off," and started crying. Then she ran off. She bumped into Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley, who started whispering about her. Artemis recited the family motto again. He had a feeling his day was not going to get any better.

It didn't. The Halloween feast was delicious, but was rather spoiled for Artemis by overhearing two Gryffindor girls talking about how Hermione was crying in the girl's bathroom and wanted to be left alone. Artemis speared his potato viciously. What was with that girl? he wondered.

"Hey, Fowl."

It was Draco. Artemis put on his icy vampire face, while frantically searching for Millie out of the corners of his eyes. He couldn't see her. So instead he started calculating whether or not he could outrun Draco and his cronies. Probably not. He would have to do some fast talking.

"Hey Fowl. We're talking to you. You know, you stink. You smell foul. Get it? Foul? Get it?"

Yes, I get it, you moron, Artemis said silently. That has to be the least creative pun I have ever heard in my life. I could come up with a better one in my sleep. While dreaming about getting chased by zombies.

Then there was a moment of stunned horror as Artemis realized he had just said that aloud.

Fortunately, before Artemis was pounded to a pulp, Professor Quirrel, the Defense Against the Arts teacher, provided a distraction by running into the hall, his turban askew and a look of utmost terror on his face. Everyone watched with interest as he reached Professor Dumbledore's chair, slumped against the table, and gasped, "Troll- in the dungeons- thought you ought to know." He then fainted.

There was an instant uproar, which Professor Dumbledore, the Headmaster, had to dispel with several large purple firecrackers from his wand, but Artemis didn't stay around to hear it. He was already racing up the magic moving staircases to the Gryffindor girl's bathroom, one thought repeating frantically inside his oversized brain.

Hermione didn't know about the troll.

Artemis raced through the corridors. Unfortunately he couldn't run very fast, owing to the fact that he exercised his mind much more than his legs. He was further delayed by running right into Professor Snape.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, FOWL?" Snape yelled. He seemed even more irritable than usual.

"Sorry- sorry- just going to my dormitory," Artemis gabbled hurriedly, then took off again, slipping and sliding around corridors.

Then right outside the girl's bathroom he ran straight into Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley. Harry had messed-up black hair and weird green eyes, with his famous curse-scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on his forehead. He had a permanent look of heroic stupidity. Ronald, his best friend, was tall with bright red hair. Ronald had a permanent look of complete befuddlement. At the moment they both looked most triumphant.

"Locked the troll in that room!" Harry said proudly, indicating it.

"YOU IDIOTS!" Artemis screeched, starting to run again. "THAT'S THE GIRL'S BATHROOM!"

"Oh," Harry said sheepishly, following.

_"Alohomora!" _Artemis cried, wand pointing at the locked door. It sprang open. And even Artemis paused at the sight of the troll. It was twelve feet tall, with gray granite-like skin, and it _smelled_. Like anything. Hermione was cowering against the opposite wall, and the troll was advancing.

"Distract it!" Harry cried, grabbing faucets the troll had ripped from the wall and throwing them at the creature. Ron did the same. It was obvious that the two of them couldn't do a spell to save their lives- or Hermione's. Artemis leveled his wand at the now very angry troll. But the only spell that went through his head was the disarming one.

Oh well. _"Expelliarmus!"_

The spell slammed the troll into the wall next to Hermione, creating a large dent. Unfortunately, it just got right back up again. "Oh dear," Artemis whispered in a small voice.

Harry threw another faucet. "Over here, fatso!" the Boy Who Lived cried. His voice attracted the troll, who raised its club threateningly and advanced.

Ron raised his wand shakily. "W-w-wingardium Leviosa!" he cried. The club was lifted from the troll's grip and swooped about the ceiling before crashing to the floor a few feet away from Hermione. She backed away, fumbling for her wand.

Artemis' mind raced, trying to figure a way out of their situation. Only one solution came to mind. He cleared his throat, feeling nervous. He hadn't done this spell before, and he wasn't at all sure he could get it right on the first try.

_"Stupify!"_

A jet of red light shot from his wand and hit the troll. For a few seconds the troll just looked around blearily. Then it roared in rage. Artemis turned pale, then repeated the spell three times. The troll keeled over.

Hermione got up, looking white and shaken. Then she ran over to Artemis and hugged him. "I'm really, really sorry!" she exclaimed. Artemis felt himself turn embarrassingly red. Then Hermione hugged Harry and Ron too. "Thanks so much for rescuing me!" she sobbed. Artemis felt more uncomfortable than ever.

Finally Professors Mcgonagal, Snape, and Quirrel burst into the bathroom. "What on earth were you thinking of?" Mcgonagal said with cold fury. "You're lucky you weren't killed. Why aren't you in your dormitories?"

Professor Snape, Slytherin head of house, glared at Artemis.

Artemis quickly constructed a plausible story. "Madam, we were looking for Hermione, as she was in the bathroom and unable to hear about the troll. We wished to warn her. Unfortunately, the troll was already in here, and so we were forced to deal with it," he said smoothly, receiving alternating looks of gratefulness from Hermione, as the reason for her presence in the bathroom was glossed over, and Ron and Harry, as Artemis did not mention the fact that they had locked the troll in with Hermione. Artemis stepped back, a small smile on his lips.

"Hmph," Mcgonagal said, looking around at them. "Well, I still say you were lucky, but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll. You three each win Gryffindor five points."

"Fowl wins five points too," Snape interrupted quickly.

"Of course," Mcgonagal continued. "Professor Dumbledore will be informed of this. You may go."

The four of them hurried out of the chamber and didn't speak at all until they had climbed two floors up. "Um," Harry began.

"What?" Artemis asked.

"Er… thanks for helping us out back there."

"It was nothing," Artemis said, wishing for a mug of hot chocolate. He was still a bit shaken after their encounter.

"Look…" Harry started, then slowly, as if it pained him, he said, "You're not a bad chap… for a Slytherin."

"Um… right," Artemis replied, feeling embarrassed. "Well, I guess I'd better be getting back to the Slytherin tower now."

"Right," Harry said. "Well... see you around, then."


	5. Of Dark Lords and Dog Bites

  
**Yet another episode… hum de hum… I didn't own anything last chapter, I doubt it's changed now.**

Harry watched Artemis nervously. The kid's pale skin and dark hair gave him a

vampire-ish look, but the most freaky thing about him was definitely his sharp blue eyes, which were really blue, almost sapphire. They _looked_ at you, like he knew exactly what you were thinking. He almost never spoke, he just… listened. Really _hard_.

At the moment they were standing outside in a freezing courtyard during break, and Hermione had conjured them up a bright blue fire that could be carried around in a jam jar. Artemis had watched with interest, looking like he was taking mental notes and murmuring something that sounded like, "high end of the spectrum… clean flame… enough oxygen… like an oil burner?" It was two weeks since the troll incident, and they had almost become friends with the Slytherin first year.

They were all standing with their backs to it, getting warm. Harry stared at Artemis, wishing he could know what the slight child was thinking. He's a Slytherin! part of his mind shouted. He's up to something nasty! But he saved Hermione, the other half whispered. And Neville…

"So tell me," Artemis said in his soft, educated voice with barely a tinge of an Irish accent. "What is this 'Boy Who Lived' thing?"

Harry blushed, and smoothed his hair over his scar instinctively. He hated that rubbish.

"Well you see…" Hermione began.

"Eleven years ago," Ron took over, "this dark wizard ruled a… watchamacallit… 'reign of terror,' yes, that has a ring to it…"

"Which lasted for about ten years," Hermione finished.

"Magical folk lived in fear of their lives."

"Until eleven years ago."

"When You-Know-Who tried to kill Harry here."

"He failed, of course, and the curse rebounded off Harry, killing You-Know-Who."

"At least," Ron amended, "that's what most people think. Me dad reckons You-Know-Who was just wounded and vanished. Anyway, he's not likely to come back."

Artemis listened in silence, then interrupted. "What was this wizard's name?" he asked.

Hermione and Ron exchanged nervous glances. Harry cleared his throat. He was afraid of no mere name! "Voldemort," he said quietly.

His two friends gasped. However, Artemis' face betrayed no emotion but clinical curiosity. "Someone actually christened their son 'Voldemort'?"

"Well... I dunno, I never much thought about it... I think that was just what he called himself."

Artemis frowned. "Curious..."

There was an awkward pause. Then Ron said, with false cheerfulness, "So you're muggle-born like Hermione?"

"Yes," he said coolly.

"So what do your parents do?" Hermione drew in her breath. She had forgotten to warn Ron about mentioning Artemis' parents.

For the first time there was a tint of emotion in his voice, though he face was as expressionless as ever. "My parents are not up for discussion."

The two Gryffindor boys stared at him, while Hermione looked down. Harry recovered first.

"Umm, well…"

Fortunately, the discussion was cut off when Snape crossed the yard. Harry noticed at once that he was limping. The four first-years moved closer together to block the fire from view as it probably wasn't allowed. However, Snape limped over anyway, looking for a reason to tell them off. He paused when he saw Artemis, but decided to tell Harry off anyway. "What's that you've got there, Potter?"

It was _Quidditch Through The Ages_, a book Hermione had lent to Harry. Harry was Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, the youngest one in a century.

"Library books are not to be taken outside the school," Snape snarled. "Give it to me. Five points from Gryffindor."

He limped away.

"He's just made that rule up," Harry muttered angrily as Snape limped away.

"No he didn't," Artemis said. "It's on the list taped to Mr. Filch's door."

Harry and Ron were shocked. "You actually _read _that list?"

"Any reason I shouldn't?"

Harry exchanged a look that spoke volumes with Ron. It said, _This guy is a nerd._

"I wonder what's wrong with his leg?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Dunno, but I hope it hurts," said Ron bitterly.

The Gryffindor common room was very noisy that evening. Harry, Ron and Hermione sat together next to a window. Hermione was checking Harry and Ron's Charms homework for them. Harry decided to ask his friends what they thought of the Slytherin boy.

"So, what d'you think of that Fowl kid?" he asked.

Hermione frowned. "He has a name, you know, Harry. You shouldn't call people by their last names. It's mean and dehumanizing."

Ron rolled his eyes.

"I think he's a slippery character," he said. "Seemed a bit too interested in You-Know-Who, to my mind."

"Well of _course _he's interested," Hermione said, exasperated. "He'd never heard of him before! Honestly, Ron, I think he's nice."

"But he's a Slytherin." Harry voiced his main worry.

"That doesn't mean he's a monster."

Harry felt restless. He decided to go and ask Snape if he could have _Quidditch Through the Ages _back.

"Better you than me, mate," Ron said, shaking his head. "That guy is mental."

Harry made his way down to the staffroom and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again. Nothing.

He wondered if maybe Snape had left the book inside. It was worth a try. He pushed the door ajar and peered inside, then his eyes widened in surprise.

The room was empty save for the ornery Potions professor and Filch. Snape was holding his robes up around his knees, and one of his legs was bloody and mangled. Filch was giving Snape bandages.

"Blasted thing," Snape said. "How are you supposed to keep your eyes on all three heads at once?"

Harry tried to shut the door and tiptoe away.

"POTTER!"

Snape blazed with fury as he pushed his robes back down to hide his wounded leg. Harry went pale.

"I just wondered if I could have my book back."

"GET OUT! _OUT!_"

Harry left quickly. He wanted no more points taken from Gryffindor. He ran back upstairs.

"Did you get it?" Ron asked. "What's the matter?"

Harry told them what had transpired. "You know what this means? He tried to get past that three-headed dog on Halloween! That's where he was going when Artemis bumped into him- he's after whatever it's guarding! And I'd bet my broomstick _he _let that troll in, to make a diversion!"

What was the dog guarding?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So what's this three-headed dog thing?" Artemis asked. It was during breakfast, and the pale first year had defied custom and sat with the three Gryffindors. He ate fastidiously, completely ignoring the nasty looks other students were sending. If looks could kill, Artemis would be burnt to a crisp. He didn't seem to mind. The others were telling him about what Harry had seen. He seemed to have become an unofficial consultant.

"Well, we… accidentally ran into it. It's guarding a trapdoor in a locked room on the forbidden third floor."

"And you just happened to accidentally run into it. I see."

Harry burst out, "We think Snape's trying to steal whatever it's guarding!"

Artemis gave him a searching look. "But Mr. Filch was there, no? And though I concede that Mr. Filch may be, what is the term, 'several sandwiches short of a picnic' he is certainly a stickler for rules."

That brought Harry up sharp. "I never thought of that," he admitted.

Artemis smiled smugly.

The mail arrived, carried by owls. A plain, inconspicuous barn owl hovered over the Slytherin table for a moment, then swooped over to Artemis, who carefully detached the message and held it so only he could possibly read it.

"Who's writing to you?" Ron asked.

"My bodyguard," Artemis said absentmindedly.

The Gryffindors gaped. "You have a _bodyguard?!_" Hermione squeaked.

Artemis smiled his private-joke smile. "My family is legendary for skirmishing on the wrong side of the law, Miss Granger. Mr. Butler had been assigned to me since my birth."

Ron gazed at him in awe. "You mean your folks are, like, gangsters?" he asked excitedly. "That's the coolest thing ever!" Hermione listened eagerly, hoping for more information on Artemis' mysterious past.

"I myself am an accomplished computer hacker," Artemis said.

Seamus Finnigan walked up to them, cutting the conversation short. After glaring at Artemis, then pointedly ignoring him, he told Harry, "Good luck on the match. And eat up, you need your strength. Seekers are the ones who always get clobbered by the other team."

Harry gulped. Artemis' criminal backgrounds had completely distracted him, and now he remembered that today was his first Quidditch game.

"Thanks, Seamus."


	6. Of Quidditch and Hexed Broomsticks

**Sorry it's so short. I still don't own anything, more's the pity.**

Artemis had never observed a Quidditch game before and decided it would be a most interesting experience. Thankfully, it was a beautiful day. Although Artemis did not generally like the sun, it was, at least, better than the rain.

He sat in the Slytherin stands next to Millie. She didn't seem to care if he hung out with Gryffindors, as long as he continued to do her homework. A most profitable arrangement.

Draco Malfoy walked past them, with his flunkies, Crabbe and Goyle. Although Artemis often wondered what Crabbe and Goyle's first names were, he had never heard them referred to. They did not seem very bright, either.

Draco was not in a good mood. He was still smarting over the fact that Harry was the youngest ever House seeker, and had his own excellent broom. He also was still very very mad at Artemis, but fortunately he dared not do anything while Millie was around. The thin girl might look like a stick, but she was trained in martial-arts. Artemis thought of Juliet, and wondered how she was getting on. He hoped she could handle his mother, Angeline Fowl.

The Quidditch game proceeded on track for the first half hour. Gryffindor scored several times. Artemis craned his head upward and could see Harry on his broomstick, swooping around above the rest of the players, looking for the Snitch.

And then something strange happened. Harry's broom started to try and buck him off. People started screaming as Harry was jolted off his broomstick, barely managing to hold on with one hand. He dangled from the enchanted length of wood, which swooped, swerved, and bucked, trying to get him to let go. Artemis felt strangely cold, even though it was a warm day. He realized with a start that it was fear. How curious. He was afraid for someone else. It was a new and strange emotion. He would have to study his reactions in depth later.

Suddenly he realized that Ron and Hermione, over in the Gryffindor stands, were trying to get his attention. Hermione pointed over at Professor Snape, the Slytherin Head of House, gesturing wildly. Artemis was seated quite close to the professor, who was at this end of the teacher's box, and he looked at him closely. He was staring at Harry, muttering something under his breath. _A hex, _Artemis realized. _They think he's hexing Harry. _

_Think, Artemis, think! Put that amazing brain to work! _Artemis looked over at the other teachers. Some were yelling, some were gesturing with their wands, and some were muttering like Professor Snape. _Counter-hexes, or other safety spells. Surely that's what Professor Snape is doing too? _So why did Hermione and Ron assume that he was hexing Harry? Artemis looked back at his friends, who were shaking their heads and motioning toward the professor quite emphatically. _Because Professor Snape dislikes Harry, that's why. And Harry overheard him talking about the three-headed dog. _Artemis glanced at Harry, who was still hanging on, despite the wild weaving of his broom. He had to do _something. _Quickly Artemis moved toward Professor Snape and pretended to trip, falling against him, pushing him into Professor Quirrel, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He stumbled to his feet.

"S-sorry, Professor-"

"YOU IDIOT, FOWL! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

"Fine, fine-" Artemis made his way back to his seat. Up in the air, Harry climbed back onto his now well-behaved broom and proceeded to win the game. So it was Professor Snape, Artemis thought. Yet something did not seem right….Oh well. Harry was alive, wasn't he? All's well that ends well.

He would, however, have to stop with this saving people thing. Next thing you knew, he'd be going around in some stupid costume with a cape and the letters BG on his shirt.


	7. Of Gamekeepers and Nicolas Flamel

**Is it? Can it be? Yes- it's a miracle! An actual, real live update! **

**I apologize profusely for taking so long.**

**Same disclaimers.**

After the game, Hermione signaled to Artemis to meet them down on the Quidditch Pitch, where Harry was being hauled to his feet and clapped on the back. Then she and Ron pushed their way through the crowded stands until they reached their fellow Gryffindor.

"You were great!" Ron said. Harry grinned weakly, looking very shaken. He was still recovering from the ordeal of the cursed broomstick. Hermione hugged him.

"But what happened to my broom?" he asked, bewildered, stroking the polished handle of his beloved Nimbus Two Thousand.

"It was cursed," Ron explained. "Someone was trying to kill you, pal." Harry went whiter than ever.

"I wonder where Artemis is," Hermione said, scanning the crowds for their Slytherin friend. "He saved you, you know."

"What?" asked Harry.

"I'll explain later," she said. "Someone might overhear here."

Artemis appeared, looking rather disheveled. He had refused point-blank to wear a pointy hat, but his cloak was hanging half off, his suit was creased, and his hair was mussed. Even more alarming, he appeared to have gotten the beginning of a black eye. "Artemis," Hermione said concernedly, "what _happened _to you?"

"Oh, just a little run-in with Mr. Malfoy," he said dryly. Then he smiled rather sinisterly. "Apparently he has never heard of the Furnunculus hex."

Ron grinned and slapped him rather hard on the back, all suspicions apparently vanished in the camaraderie of the moment. "Good for you, pal," he said.

"Indeed," Artemis coughed. He cleared his throat. "Could we perhaps discuss this somewhere else?"

"My thoughts exactly," Hermione said. "Come on, let's go visit Hagrid. You two look like you need a cup of tea."

Artemis made a face. "I doubt it will be Earl Grey." Then he asked, "You are friends with Mr. Hagrid?"

"Oh, yeah, he's awesome," Ron said. "Come on, let's go find him."

As they pushed their way through the crowd Artemis said, "Could my part in this little drama perhaps be kept secret? I do not wish to be considered a traitor."

"Sure," Harry replied. He frowned at Artemis. "I still don't get why you weren't put in Ravenclaw," he said. "I mean, you're really smart, and you're not a pureblood."

"He's probably the first muggle-born _ever _to be in Slytherin," Ron put in.

"Oh, perhaps the Hat decided to give the Slytherins something to worry about," Artemis said lightly. "Ah, I believe that is Mr. Hagrid there."

"'Arry!" Hagrid exclaimed. "'Arry, you were brilliant!" He winked at them. "Still look a bit under the weather! 'Ow 'bout you come and 'ave a nice cup 'o tea wi' me?" He glared suspiciously at Artemis, who looked innocently back. "Come on, then!"

Artemis was apparently feeling talkative, because on the way to Hagrid's hut he engaged the groundkeeper in conversation, asking a lot of questions. Hermione was quite respectful of the pale boy's acting skills by the time they arrived. He could ask, "How long have you been working here? It must be very interesting. Are there any magical animals in the Forest?" with perfect wide-eyed innocence. Hagrid could not resist talking about his beloved creatures, and they learned that the Forest was occupied by such beings as unicorns and centaurs.

Inside, Hagrid put on the tea kettle and made some tea. Harry sipped at it eagerly. Artemis sniffed delicately, then made a face and put the mug down.

"So you're a Slytherin, eh?" Hagrid asked. "Don' like Slytherins generally, bu' then I s'pose I'm a bit biased. 'Ow come you're friends with these kids 'ere, then?"

"He saved us from a troll," Hermione piped up.

"Really?" Hagrid asked in interest.

"Oh, it was nothing really," Artemis said. "The real reason I hang out with them is to annoy Draco Malfoy, really. And of course they're much better company than others I could name."

Hagrid laughed. Hermione was impressed. She hadn't realized Artemis had such good people skills. She supposed he rarely chose to excersize them, that was all. There must be something he wanted to learn from Hagrid.

"Oh, by the way," Artemis said in a suspiciously offhand manner, "who do you suppose was cursing Harry's broom?"

Hagrid's eyebrows shot up. "Cursed?" he asked.

"Yeah!" Ron said angrily. "It was Snape, we saw him! He was muttering and not taking his eyes off Harry!"

Artemis kicked him under the table. "Actually, Ronald," he said coolly, leaving Ron spluttering at the use of his given name, "I believe Professor Snape was performing a countercurse, like several other members of the staff."

Hermione gasped. She'd never even considered that! And she thought herself brilliant!

"But when Artemis-" Artemis kicked Ron again. The red haired boy opened his mouth, thought, and closed it again. Hagrid didn't notice a thing.

"Look, why are you suspectin' Professor Snape anyhow?" the big man asked.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Artemis exchanged glances, wondering what to tell him. Hermione looked at Artemis, but he nodded at Harry. _It's not my decision, _he was saying.

Harry made up his mind. "I found out something about him. On Halloween he tried to get past the three-headed dog. He got bitten. We think- whatever it's guarding, he's trying to steal it."

The teapot dropped from Hagrid's large hands with a crash.

"'Ow do you know about Fluffy?"

_"Fluffy?" _they all chorused in amazement.

"Yeah- he's mine- bought him off a Greek chappie I met in the pub las' year- I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the-" Harry was about to interrupt but Artemis kicked him too- "Phil-" He seemed to realize what he was saying. "Don't ask me! That's top secret, that is."

"Snape's trying to _steal _it," said Ron. Artemis rolled his eyes and sighed loudly.

"Rubbish. He's a teacher, he'd not do anythin' like that," Hagrid said firmly.

Artemis drummed his fingers on the rough wooden table. "It seems we have ourselves a mystery," he said.

"No you don't," Hagrid said. "You forget that dog, an' you forget what it's guardin', that's between Professor Dumbledore and Nicolas Flamel-"

"Aha!" said Harry, "so there's someone called Nicolas Flamel involved, is there?"

Artemis debated whether or not to kick him.


	8. Of Libraries and Wizard Chess

**Finally, another chapter! Sorry this took so long- school is getting intense. Plus I've been working on my DW fics. And for a while I couldn't find SS. So generally things just conspired against me.**_  
_

_They really should get an interior decorator in here,_ Artemis thought, annoyed, as he stalked through the hallways, glaring at the leering statues and dusty tapestries. _Drag it kicking and screaming into the twentieth century. _He was in a bad mood, as Professor Mcgonagall had given him a C on his essay for extreme insolence. He was now heading to the library to 'study'.

It was Christmas break, and therefore Artemis was rather surprised to see his three Gryffindor friends pouring over several thick books at one of the side tables. "Studying during the holidays?" he enquired. "Bit keen, aren't you?"

"Oh, we're not working," Harry told him cheerfully. "Ever since Hagrid mentioned Nicolas Flamel we've been trying to find out who he is."

"You _what?" _Artemis asked, a slow grin threatening to creep onto his face. This was just what he needed to cheer him up.

"We've been through hundreds of books, though," Ron said in exasperation, "and we can't find him anywhere, though Harry's certain he's read the name somewhere."

The grin really was on his face now, they had to see it-

Hermione chipped in. "He isn't in _Great Wizards of the Twentieth Century, _or _Notable Magical Names of Our Time, _or _Important Modern Magical Discoveries, _or even _A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry_! I just can't understand it-"

The grin became a smirk, then a chuckle, then an outright guffaw. A _guffaw? _From _him? _But he couldn't help himself. He was just overflowing with mirth.

"What are you smiling about?" Ron demanded.

He shook his head, laughing wildly with abandon. "I can't believe it!" he choked out. "Oh, this is too good!"

_"What?"_ Harry, Hermione and Ron demanded at the same time.

If he smiled any wider his face would split in half. "You didn't even think to ask me, did you? I know who Nicolas Flamel is."

After the first few seconds of shocked silence, Artemis found himself bombarded by infuriated hexes. "Ow!" he yelped. "Protego! Protego! This is completely unprovoked, vindictive- OW! Protego! Do you want to get us thrown out?!!"

Eventually his friends saw the reason in this, and relented. He crawled out from under the table. "Owww."

"Why," Hermione asked, her eyes aflame, "Didn't, You, Tell, Us?!!"

He smoothed his clothes, ruffled. "You never asked," he said in a tone of injured pride.

"Tell us what you know, now!" Harry demanded, though his eyes sparkled with a hint of humor.

"OK, OK," he said. "Nicolas Flamel was fourteenth-century alchemist reputed to have discovered the Philosopher's stone. I always thought this no more than legend-"

"Hang on, hang on," Ron interrupted. "What's this 'Philosopher's Stone'?"

He rolled his eyes. "Don't you know _anything _about alchemy?" This met with blank looks. He sighed. "The Philosopher's Stone was a legendary stone alchemists tried to create, rumored to have the power to turn lead to gold and the power of eternal youth. According to legend Nicolas Flamel and his wife, Perenelle, used this stone to gain eternal youth. But modern historians think the real Flamel was actually a scrivener, or scribe-"

"Wait, wait, wait." He was interrupted again, this time by Harry. "If he's from the fourteenth century, he wouldn't be around today, would he? Not even wizards live _that _long."

Artemis tapped his ball-point pen against his head. "Unless, my dear Watson, he had the true Philosopher's Stone."

Comprehension, then awe, dawned on Harry and Hermione. Ron, however, just looked puzzled. "Watson? Who's Watson?"

"Just a muggle thing, dear Ronald," Artemis explained airily.

* * *

But the holidays had started, and the students had too good a time to think much about Flamel. The four students couldn't meet in their respective common rooms, so they gathered in an old dusty disused classroom. Hermione and Artemis discussed theories about Flamel back and forth, whilst Ron started teaching Harry wizard chess. As the figures were alive, it was a lot more interesting than Muggle chess. Ron's chessmen were practically family heirlooms and always did what he wanted. However, Harry played with the chessmen Seamus Finnigan had lent him and they really didn't trust him. He wasn't a good player and they all kept on trying to advise him, often leaving the poor boy totally befuddled. After watching three games of this in amusement, Artemis slid off the couch. "Here, let me have a go," he said carelessly.

The chessmen watched him in suspicion as he set them up. Ron grinned wolfishly. He was a very good chess player and he had been playing wizard chess all his life. He was looking forward to finally beating the genius Muggle boy at something.

Artemis gave his instructions in a cold, precise voice. Ron smiled as the Muggle moved his protesting pieces into a suicidal configuration. "Queen to C3," he said triumphantly. "Check."

The muggle stared at the pieces for a long moment. Then he looked up slowly. Ron felt his blood run cold. There was a wolfish smile on Artemis' face. "Knight to G8," he ordered. "Checkmate."

Ron used some words that made Hermione turn red and say, "Really, Ronald!"

"STOP CALLING ME THATTT!" he roared.

**Not much happened in this chapter, I guess. Review review review!**


	9. Of Secrets and Invisibility Cloaks

**Hey, guys. Bet you thought I was dead or something. But here I am, alive and only slightly unwell, and with a brand new chapter for you and a promise of more regular updates in the future, now that I've thought up a really fun way to do it! Warning: this is where things get seriously AU. And Artemis gets less nice-guy.  
**

* * *

Artemis didn't get any presents for Christmas. Then again, he didn't exactly expect any. His Gryffindor friends conjured looks of chagrin onto their faces that morning at dinner- "Gosh, I just forgot about you! I'm so sorry!" - then went back to discussing Harry's amazing new invisibility cloak.

In truth, he was feeling a bit ashamed about it all. He knew well enough that he wasn't really a part of their group, that he made them feel uneasy. And, to be honest, he really couldn't say what he saw in them, either. Hermione might be a match for him when it came to magic, but in a spar of wits, a debate of morals, a discussion of politics… oh well.

Artemis returned his attention to the mystery at hand.

* * *

Harry had never in all his life had such a Christmas dinner. There was a growing pile of items out of magical crackers by his plate. He looked around at his friends, wondering if this was normal in the wizarding world. And he accidentally caught a glimpse of Artemis, then gave the Slytherin a second look. Artemis had the mysterious note that had accompanied the invisibility cloak, and he looked as though he was comparing it to a letter in his hand…

"Come on," said Fred, or George, he still wasn't quite sure which. "Snowball fight time!" He dragged the unprotesting Harry to his feet. The rest of the Weasleys were standing up too. Harry saw Hermione throw a glance at Artemis, then put down her book and stand up as well. Their chairs made grating noises, and Artemis looked up. "And where is everyone departing to so suddenly?" he asked with his usual air of sardonic amusement.

"Snowball fight," said Ron around a mouthful of roast potato.

"Ah. Er. Physical exertion. Not quite my, uh, thing, you know…"

"Sissy," grumbled Fred, or was it George?

"Leave him alone and let's _go,__" _ Hermione exclaimed, heading for the side door. The others trailed behind. The last glimpse Harry had of Artemis, the Slytherin was rummaging through a pack of Chocolate Frog cards for some reason.

* * *

Harry returned to his dormitory tired and happy. It had been the best Christmas day of his life. Yet something was nagging at the back of his mind, and had been doing so all day. Not until he climbed into bed was he free to think about it; the invisibility cloak and whoever had sent it.

As soon as Harry was certain Ron was asleep, Harry leaned over the side of his own bed and pulled the cloak out from under it.

Or tried to. He scrabbled desperately, then tumbled off his bed and searched frantically underneath, but it was no use. His invisibility cloak was gone.

Outraged, Harry tried to pull himself out from under the bed. As he did so, he brushed up against something. It felt like a huge cobweb. "Ick," Harry thought, and scrambled up, clawing at himself. The thing did look quite like a huge cobweb, except that it was glowing green. Harry managed to pull it off himself, and it hung in the air before him, glimmering. Then it flashed, piercing bright green light.

Then there was nothing but darkness.

* * *

**A bit short. Okay, really short. Sorry. Let me now sing the review song: Review, review, review, and you will get some cookies!**


	10. Of Cell Phones and Disappearances

**The next chapter- a bit late, but definitely more timely than the last. Also longer. But rather more boring, I'm afraid. Fear not- action IS coming.**

* * *

The next morning, Artemis seemed rather tired at breakfast. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he couldn't help but wound his dignity by yawning now and then.

"Couldn't sleep?" Hermione asked sympathetically.

Artemis shrugged. "I was engrossed in a book. By a Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart, actually."

Hermione was ecstatic. "Really?! I've read him too! What do you think?"

Artemis shrugged again.

Ron turned to Harry. "Hey, Harry, so when d'you think we should try out that invisibility cloak? It's got prime rule-breaking possibilities!"

"Huh?" Harry said vaguely. "Oh. The cloak. I dunno, I hadn't really thought about it."

"I think you should keep your noses clean," Artemis said sharply. Hermione threw him a grateful look. Ron, however, was not so grateful.

"Oh yeah? And I think you should mind your own business, pal."

Artemis shrugged a third time. "I'm only suggesting it out of some misconceived concern for your welfare. You've already got in some pretty tough scrapes, which you only got out of due to some fast talking on my part, and more misbehavior might make your teachers a little less inclined to be helpful. We may need the belief of the teachers, particularly if someone really _is _after the Sorcerer's Stone."

Harry blinked. He'd totally forgotten the Sorcerer's Stone. It didn't seem that important; after all, it was probably very well guarded by 'Fluffy'.

"And so, I conclude that-" Artemis broke off mid-sentence as his pocket emitted a loud beep! He pulled out a small mechanical object, and flipped it open, revealing what looked like phone number keys and a bright screen, displaying a text message that Artemis rapidly read, then the boy genius flipped the thing closed again and replaced it in her pocket.

"Man, what was that?" Ron asked curiously.

He stared at them blankly. "You've never seen a mobile phone before?"

The three shook their heads in unison.

"Oh, gods," Artemis muttered in a despairing tone. "I really am in a technological desert, aren't I… have you people advanced at _all _since the eighteenth century?"

"So that thing's a mini phone?" Hermione asked, eager to avoid argument.

"Yes. I received a text message, which, before you ask, is words that are sent to my phone so I can read them."

"What did it say?" Ron asked.

"None of your business." Artemis stood up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some studying to do."

"Geez, what's up with him?" Ron asked.

"Oh, shut up, Ronald!" Hermione exclaimed. "I think he's going through some hard times at home."

"It's hardly surprising," said Harry, "considering that his family are gangsters-"

"Oh, you guys are so heartless!" Hermione left the table.

* * *

She couldn't find Artemis for the rest of the day. She checked with Millie (although the girl seemed very taciturn and impolite, Hermione couldn't see _what _Artemis saw in her) and it turned out the boy genius hadn't gone to any of his classes either. He wasn't in the library. There was only one possibility left. She mustered her courage and accosted Malfoy on his way out of the Slytherin dormitories. "Is Artemis in there?"

Malfoy gave her a scathing look. "…no."

"Thanks," Hermione said, smiling charmingly, then she ran away as fast as she could.

Back in the relative safety of the Gryffindor common room, she reviewed the facts. Artemis had missed class. Well, that by itself wasn't that strange. He only bothered to show up sporadically, but somehow he still got top marks. What was a bit weird was that he didn't seem to be anywhere else.

Hermione decided that he'd probably show up at breakfast the next morning.

He didn't.

What was worse, the others didn't seem at all concerned. "He's probably doing something for the Mafia," said Harry through a mouthful of toast.

Boys.

Hermione spent another futile day searching for the boy genius, then trekked tiredly back up to the common room, which was empty except for Fred and George, who were trying to turn Percy's clothes different colors. She collapsed in an armchair, tried to think, and started crying instead.

"Hermione!" Fred- or was it George- asked, concernedly. "What's wrong?"

She explained.

"Don't see why you're so worried about a Sly-" began one of the twins, then the other one elbowed him.

"Don't worry, Hermione," Fred or George said. "If he doesn't show up tomorrow, we have exactly the thing. It'll let you know whether he's in the castle or not."

Hermione blinked back tears. "Really?"

The twins nodded in unison. "Really."

* * *

**I'm sure you can all guess what Fred and George want to show her. Yup- the messing up of continuity has started!**


	11. Of Mysteries and Maps

**OMG! A CHAPTER!!**

**...sorry. Really, I am. I'm really sorry. Please don't kill me. I know this isn't really long enough, but please accept it for the moment? Please?**

* * *

"Hey, Harry," Ron said as they went to bed that night. "Where's the invisibility cloak?"

Harry blinked. "I dunno. Around, I 'spose. Why?"

"Well, we could use it to sneak around, y'know? After curfew? Maybe take a look in the Restricted section of the library, there's got to be good stuff there."

"I'm tired, Ron," Harry said. "I'm going to bed."

"All right, then!" Ron said angrily. "Fine. Just tell me where it is."

Harry frowned, trying to concentrate. "I dunno."

"How can you not know? It's the _invisibility cloak, _Harry!"

"G'night, Ron," said Harry, yawning, and promptly went to sleep.

Ron frowned. Something wasn't right.

* * *

Hermione waited until she was sure all the other girls were asleep. Then, carefully, she unrolled the map on her bed. Wincing, she touched the tip of her wand to the parchment and hissed through her teeth, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Using this... item went against all her beliefs. Part of her wanted to turn it in right then. But she really had to find Artemis.

He wasn't hard to find. He was in the library. "Why hasn't someone seen him?" she wondered to herself. "You're not supposed to skip class, it's truancy or something!"

She'd considered informing Professor Mcgonagal that her best student had vanished, but there must have been a reason why none of the teachers had noticed yet, and besides, doing that would get Artemis in trouble with Professor Snape. She had to try to find him herself first.

The trouble was, if she was caught out of her dormitory after curfew, Artemis would be the least of her problems.

Okay. She could do this. Deep breaths.

She rolled up the map and cautiously tiptoed down the stairs.

When she opened it again, he was no longer in the Library, but on the move through the corridors.

_Merlin's Beard._

She steeled her resolve, and continued.

* * *

"Ah, Mr. Fowl."

Artemis turned around slowly. Albus Dumbledore twinkled, in a strangely sinister way.

"I wondered when you would discover the Mirror of Erised."


End file.
